Okay, so maybe I am...

I have had fun this weekend, but have also been pretty down. My discovery a few minutes ago that Tim "unfriended" me on Facebook further contributed to my sadness. It seemed to start on Thursday evening as I drove through the rainy darkness to Lima with lots of time for thinking. I started recalling the many road trips that Tim and I went on together. How I would often bring a book to read aloud or an audio book. I would even bring a headlamp to wear so that I could continue reading when it got dark outside. Dorky, but fun.

I just keep thinking "Don't you wonder how we are, or at the very least, how Crosby is? Don't you wonder what he's doing? Do you ever miss us, even just a little?". The waterpark was obviously filled with families. Moms and dads and kids. I felt pathetic, like I should wear a sign around my neck saying "Yes, my husband left me". And angry.

I must say that Crosby had a blast at the waterpark, which meant that I had fun. There was a small red slide that he must have went down a hundred times. There were also steering wheels that when turned, caused water to shoot up from the ground. And a very low basketball hoop that I lifted him up to over and over again. He ran and laughed and smiled and squealed with delight and hugged his cousins over and over. These things all made me a very happy momma. Oh, and birthday cake. The birthday cake for grandma (and a very important correction, grandma was 62 yesterday, not 63. Sorry about that mom) was a huge hit. Crosby even woke up in the night and declared that he needed more birthday cake. He's such a funny little guy.

Something that I am trying to do somewhat regularly is a gratitude journal. I know it's a little "Oprah-esque", but I think it's a healthy thing for me to do. It seems to be a good way to re-focus my thinking and energy because I can become consumed with the crap. I don't want to be a bitter, negative person and there is no reason for that to happen. I have an abundance of people and opportunities that I am so grateful for. In spite of the recent events, I have a life to live. I keep collecting quotes about gratitude as well. Here's my latest favorite.

The ship of my life may or may not be sailing on calm and amiable seas. The challenging days of my existence may or may not be bright and promising. Stormy or sunny days, glorious or lonely nights, I maintain an attitude of gratitude. If I insist on being pessimistic, there is always tomorrow. Today I am blessed. ~Maya Angelou

Not a mental case

My dear, sweet mother, who is definitely a "glass is 3/4 full, think happy thoughts" type, gently suggested that I do a post when I have a good day. And today, surprisingly, was a good day. I say surprisingly because today was the day I met with my attorney. Not exactly something that I was looking forward to. In fact, I was dreading it. So much in fact, that I took the afternoon off, mostly in anticipation of being a blubbering mess afterward, which is not exactly conducive to teaching a room full of 10 year olds. Well, miracle of miracles, I was not a blubbering mess. I actually wasn't even sniffling. Go figure. I guess those little white pills do really work :)! I left the office with a list of papers that I need to gather, stopped at Rachel's Bread for a lovely sandwich and headed home where I made a new bag from my ever-growing stack of recycled wool sweaters. I felt good.

After collecting Crosby later in the afternoon we had a bit of time before Wednesday night goodness (dinner with our small group). What else would one do with a bit of time but shovel snow back onto their porch in order for very determined 2 -year-old son to re-shovel it? That's right. The latest snow fall had almost completely melted from our front porch but that was not about to dissuade my son from his current favorite activity. So, he did a bit of snow removal and then we were off for the evening.

This weekend we are heading to Lima to celebrate Grandma's birthday. Don't most 63 year-old-women want to celebrate their birthdays at a waterpark? That's my mother! She will be in full grandma-glory as she slips and slides her way around with the 3 grandkids in tow....

Happy Almost-Weekend Everyone!

Broken

I am feeling used up and thrown out. Tossed aside. I am also feeling like a ridiculous fool for encouraging and supporting and giving space to Tim as he delved deeper and deeper into himself. His career, his interests, his social life. While I kept the proverbial home-fires burning always anxiously awaiting his return, he was distancing himself more and more. And what did I do? His laundry. Raise our son. Beg him to see a doctor. Teach my students. Cook meals. Pack nearly our entire house, arrange moving help and unpack nearly everything. Try to engage him in conversation.

Why am I feeling so shitty today? I think it is because I downloaded (or is it uploaded? I can never remember the difference) the photos from our digital camera to the computer yesterday and saw all of our Christmas pictures of the three of us. I am grieving what will never be again. Crosby never having Christmas morning with his mom and dad again. Me without the man I have loved for the past 16 years. I want to yell and scream and pound my fists on Tim.

I feel like one of my limbs has been chopped off. Gone. Tim is just gone. Gone from my life. Our limited communication is almost entirely through text messaging. I went from working and trying and loving Tim to listening as he told me on January 5 that he no longer loved me. On January 11 he packed his clothes and moved out. On February 19 I received divorce papers in the mail. On Wednesday I have to meet with my attorney. What do I do with all of this?

Really?

Yesterday late-afternoon, Tim's parents (who, by the way, have been wonderfully supportive of me in all sorts of ways) picked Crosby up for "Tim's weekend". For the time being when Tim has Crosby for the weekend they stay at his parent's house because Tim's living arrangement (staying at a friend's house) isn't all that conducive for an active (okay, very active) 2- year- old. As they were driving away I thought "Really?". This is really my life now? Because you want to be single and you discount our marriage vows "because we were only 21 and 22 years old"? Because you don't value me, Crosby and our family enough to work at this relationship I just have to deal? Fascinating the way that works....

Now, just to be clear I do not stay at home and cry the weekend away after these exchanges (however tempting that has been). I very intentionally make plans to avoid that scenario. So, last night it was Ethiopian food at a little diner with women from my small group. Today will be a jaunt into Elkhart for a massage at a massage school were they are offered by students at a very affordable rate. After that? I have lots to work on at home but I may take a cruise over to Shipshewana. My sweet parents are coming late this afternoon for an overnight, which is always a treat. I will leave you with a quote that I read and re-read right now.

"Allow Events to Change You: You have to be willing to grow. Growth is different from something that happens to you. You produce it. You live it. The prerequisites for growth: the openness to experience events and the willingness to be changed by them."
Bruce Mau, designer (from ''An Incomplete Manifesto for Growth'')

Embracing the digital age....

My dear, sweet, funny, handful-of-a-boy created the name for this blog without even knowing it. When he falls down or slips under the water in the bathtub (well, actually when almost anything happens that scares him) he says this. Sometimes several times, "I okay, I okay, I okay". I am not quite certain if he is reassuring himself or me, but I like it. In light of the events since January 5, I have both adopted and adapted it for my own as "I am going to be okay".

I hope this format doesn't feel impersonal to you. It doesn't to me as I am only sharing it with invited friends and family. The reason for this? I have been the fortunate recipient of so very many kind emails. However, to reply individually to them feels like a daunting task right now. So, this feels like a good way to keep people posted on the ups and downs of my life right now.

As I mentioned, I can say honestly that I am going to be okay. Does this feel like the biggest load of shit ever? Yes. Do I find it completely horrendous that 1 person can make a decision that affects the lives of many, many people? Yes. Do I cry? Yes. Do I still laugh and carry on with my day-to-day? Yes. The reason that I can and do carry on are 1.) a terrific little boy and 2.) the amazing people who care for and support me...family, friends, colleagues, church, pastor, neighbors, therapist....

Now for a few specifics (oh, c'mon, I know you're wondering :). Tim did in fact file for a divorce and I received the papers yesterday. Indiana is a no fault divorce state, which in short means that if one person wants a divorce, there is nothing the other person can do. A divorce will be granted. Nice, huh?

I know this post is ending abruptly, but I must grab a few groceries before I pick up Crosby. We are out of orange juice and I tried to pass off tomato juice. That was probably kind of mean, but hey, I'm trying to get more veggies in his diet! He got this horrible look on his face, his eyes watered, and he sputtered "I don't yike dis!".