Broken

I am feeling used up and thrown out. Tossed aside. I am also feeling like a ridiculous fool for encouraging and supporting and giving space to Tim as he delved deeper and deeper into himself. His career, his interests, his social life. While I kept the proverbial home-fires burning always anxiously awaiting his return, he was distancing himself more and more. And what did I do? His laundry. Raise our son. Beg him to see a doctor. Teach my students. Cook meals. Pack nearly our entire house, arrange moving help and unpack nearly everything. Try to engage him in conversation.

Why am I feeling so shitty today? I think it is because I downloaded (or is it uploaded? I can never remember the difference) the photos from our digital camera to the computer yesterday and saw all of our Christmas pictures of the three of us. I am grieving what will never be again. Crosby never having Christmas morning with his mom and dad again. Me without the man I have loved for the past 16 years. I want to yell and scream and pound my fists on Tim.

I feel like one of my limbs has been chopped off. Gone. Tim is just gone. Gone from my life. Our limited communication is almost entirely through text messaging. I went from working and trying and loving Tim to listening as he told me on January 5 that he no longer loved me. On January 11 he packed his clothes and moved out. On February 19 I received divorce papers in the mail. On Wednesday I have to meet with my attorney. What do I do with all of this?