Lament
Written during worship service of lamentation
Southside Fellowship, July 5, 2009
God? Is this my lot in life?
To hear the words “I don’t want you anymore. I don’t want this life anymore”?
God? Is this my lot in life?
To be a mother to a beautiful, amazing, little boy?
God? Is this my lot in life?
To lie awake night after night, lonely and wondering what I could have done differently?
God? Is this my lot in life?
To be awakened each morning with a sweet, smiling boy, jumping into my arms and loving me wholly?
God? Is this my lot in life?
To be a divorced, single mother, embarrassed and humiliated but hoping that people don’t pity me or feel sorry for me?
God? Is this my lot in life?
To be surrounded and loved and supported by friends, family and church? To be the recipient of seemingly unending kindnesses?
God? Is this my lot in life?
To have meaningful work, an education, good health, food in my cupboards and clothes on my back?
God? Is this my lot in life?
Friday, July 17, 2009
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Thank you, thank you, thank you
It's clearly time for me to refocus and redirect my energy in positive, life-giving ways.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
1. My pastor and friend, David.
2. Meals shared with friends.
3. My colleague who took over my classes yesterday.
4. Time to organize and clean.
5. Anticipating time away with family and friends.
thank you, thank you, thank you.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
1. My pastor and friend, David.
2. Meals shared with friends.
3. My colleague who took over my classes yesterday.
4. Time to organize and clean.
5. Anticipating time away with family and friends.
thank you, thank you, thank you.
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Grrrrr!
I was not ready to publish my last post, but the edit feature is once again doing funky stuff and I want to scream! It worked just fine this morning at the Brew, but now it's not. So, I am just going to continue on with this post.
So, back to my current question "Is it possible to experience a range of emotions all at once?". Either it is and I have very quickly become an expert at it or I am simply swinging from one emotion to the next in rapid succession.
Take this morning for example. I was at the Brew, writing, drinking coffee and having an overall good Saturday morning. I went up to refill my mug and saw an acquaintance who had recently been facebooking about her annual swimsuit quest. We casually chatted and laughed about how frustrating that quest always is, and then she introduced me to the other people at her table and told them where I live. She then turned to me and caringly asked if I would be able to stay in my house. The tears immediately came on, suddenly and with a sort of fury. I turned into the red, puffy pathetic mess that I wrote about in an earlier post. This dear woman did nothing wrong, asked nothing inappropriate, asked nothing that many others have not already asked, asked nothing that I don't think about all of the time. Maybe I should start carrying a card that explains my condition. Seriously! It could say something like "Please forgive me for crying. I hope that I did not make you feel bad/stupid/embarrassed. You most likely said nothing wrong. My husband left me and I am now on the fast track towards single-motherhood. Have a nice day!". What should I put on the other side of the card? A cool graphic or a quote? Maybe a big yellow smiley face.
So why does this continue to happen, over and over and over again? Why does this happen when I know that Crosby and I going to be okay. Why does this happen? My pastor and friend, David, explained to me a while ago that I am in "'a very thin space". Initially I didn't really understand what he meant by that, but I am beginning to. I can be feeling fine, but can so quickly and easily slip into the volatile emotional state of "oh god, what is happening to me/what am I going to do/do people think that I am a pathetic idiot?". Thankfully I somehow manage to slip back into the "I okay" zone fairly easily. Just a wild guess, but I would bet that this is not happening to Tim. Yet another injustice for those of us left behind.
So, back to my current question "Is it possible to experience a range of emotions all at once?". Either it is and I have very quickly become an expert at it or I am simply swinging from one emotion to the next in rapid succession.
Take this morning for example. I was at the Brew, writing, drinking coffee and having an overall good Saturday morning. I went up to refill my mug and saw an acquaintance who had recently been facebooking about her annual swimsuit quest. We casually chatted and laughed about how frustrating that quest always is, and then she introduced me to the other people at her table and told them where I live. She then turned to me and caringly asked if I would be able to stay in my house. The tears immediately came on, suddenly and with a sort of fury. I turned into the red, puffy pathetic mess that I wrote about in an earlier post. This dear woman did nothing wrong, asked nothing inappropriate, asked nothing that many others have not already asked, asked nothing that I don't think about all of the time. Maybe I should start carrying a card that explains my condition. Seriously! It could say something like "Please forgive me for crying. I hope that I did not make you feel bad/stupid/embarrassed. You most likely said nothing wrong. My husband left me and I am now on the fast track towards single-motherhood. Have a nice day!". What should I put on the other side of the card? A cool graphic or a quote? Maybe a big yellow smiley face.
So why does this continue to happen, over and over and over again? Why does this happen when I know that Crosby and I going to be okay. Why does this happen? My pastor and friend, David, explained to me a while ago that I am in "'a very thin space". Initially I didn't really understand what he meant by that, but I am beginning to. I can be feeling fine, but can so quickly and easily slip into the volatile emotional state of "oh god, what is happening to me/what am I going to do/do people think that I am a pathetic idiot?". Thankfully I somehow manage to slip back into the "I okay" zone fairly easily. Just a wild guess, but I would bet that this is not happening to Tim. Yet another injustice for those of us left behind.
Balancing On One Wounded Wing
My new favorite song is "Adventures in Solitude" by The New Pornographers. I feel a little bit like I'm 13 years old again as I play it over and over (like I did with the song "Amadeus" when I was in 8th grade), but I love, love, love the lyrics. It's track #14 on "The Gratitude Mix" courtesy of Kendra. It's right after another timely favorite, "Everybody Knows" by my beloved Dixie Chicks. The beginning goes like this:
Balancing on
One wounded wing
Circling the edge
Of the neverending
The best of the vanished marvels have gathered inside your door
More than begin
But less than forget
But spirits born
From the not happened yet
Gathering there
To pay off a debt brought back from the wars
We thought we lost you
We thought we lost you
We thought we lost you
Welcome back.
It would seem that there is not much happening in blog-land for me lately, but the truth is I can't post most of what I have written. Lots and lots and lots of anger mixed in with not-quite-equal amounts of sadness and a healthy dash of profanity. It seems that the result of that combination would be a bitter, angry, bitter person. But, I'm not. At times I feel bitter and angry, but I am not bitter and angry. Does that make any sense? This horrible train ride that I have been forced onto is one part of my life. Right now it is a huge part of my life. I think about it all of the time. But at the same time it is a tiny part of my life. I say tiny, because the rest of my life is so rich and full with my amazing, healthy little boy, lovely, real people, a good career,great community, the list goes on and on.
How is it possible for one person to experience such a wide range of emotions, sometimes simultaneously? Anger. Hurt. Fear. Sadness. Loneliness. Strength. Happiness. Gratitude.
Balancing on
One wounded wing
Circling the edge
Of the neverending
The best of the vanished marvels have gathered inside your door
More than begin
But less than forget
But spirits born
From the not happened yet
Gathering there
To pay off a debt brought back from the wars
We thought we lost you
We thought we lost you
We thought we lost you
Welcome back.
It would seem that there is not much happening in blog-land for me lately, but the truth is I can't post most of what I have written. Lots and lots and lots of anger mixed in with not-quite-equal amounts of sadness and a healthy dash of profanity. It seems that the result of that combination would be a bitter, angry, bitter person. But, I'm not. At times I feel bitter and angry, but I am not bitter and angry. Does that make any sense? This horrible train ride that I have been forced onto is one part of my life. Right now it is a huge part of my life. I think about it all of the time. But at the same time it is a tiny part of my life. I say tiny, because the rest of my life is so rich and full with my amazing, healthy little boy, lovely, real people, a good career,great community, the list goes on and on.
How is it possible for one person to experience such a wide range of emotions, sometimes simultaneously? Anger. Hurt. Fear. Sadness. Loneliness. Strength. Happiness. Gratitude.
Friday, March 6, 2009
My Life=Not a Bestseller
I keep thinking about the bestseller "Eat, Pray, Love". Two Christmases ago I received a grand total of 3 copies. Clearly the well-intentioned givers (I remember one was from Jamie, possibly one was from Tim, the third I cannot recall...) knew my taste in books and had thoughtfully chosen one with my likes and interests in mind. I knew of the book and was looking forward to delving into it. But, I never made it beyond the first few chapters. Somewhere near the beginning, the author tells of her realization, as she lay on the cold, tile floor of her bathroom, that she no longer wanted to be married. I remember reading that and feeling slightly sick. And very, very sad for her husband. And now I think that somewhere very deep in my core, I was worried that Tim was feeling that way.
After that I read a few more chapters and then it would lay, untouched and dusty on my nightstand. I picked it up a few more times and tried to get back into it before finally parking it on the bookshelf. Even then I just couldn't quite stomach her (the author, ) traipsing around India or Italy or wherever the hell she went, chanting with her guru and hanging onto some ridiculous beads. Even then I kept thinking of her husband, forgotten and left behind. Even then.
I wonder if his story parallels my own? My best guess is that his story, like my own would not be filled with the tales of bestselling material. Travel and food and excitement seem to be a theme in those top ten books. Those are the stories that sell. Worries about feeding my child balanced meals when I don't feel like going to the grocery store, let alone cooking do not exactly seem like the stories of page-turners. Wondering who I might bump into at the pharmacy/coffee shop/shoe store whose mere glance will almost instantly turn me into a weepy, puffy, red mess doesn't seem like something that would do it either. How about calling my work for the umpteenth time to ask for a sub because I need to be at home with my sick child? Nope, I don't think so. People don't want to read about those of us who are left behind and dealing with the day-to-day.
How do you go from "this is the most romantic thing I've every done!" (Tim's comment as we arrived at the hospital to birth Crosby) to "I don't want you/this anymore" two short years later? How? As I see you bop down the street with our son high on your shoulders, suitcase in hand, my heart breaks a little more. I want to be doing this with you. The three of us. Together. I want your hand to be holding mine, not your suitcase.
After that I read a few more chapters and then it would lay, untouched and dusty on my nightstand. I picked it up a few more times and tried to get back into it before finally parking it on the bookshelf. Even then I just couldn't quite stomach her (the author, ) traipsing around India or Italy or wherever the hell she went, chanting with her guru and hanging onto some ridiculous beads. Even then I kept thinking of her husband, forgotten and left behind. Even then.
I wonder if his story parallels my own? My best guess is that his story, like my own would not be filled with the tales of bestselling material. Travel and food and excitement seem to be a theme in those top ten books. Those are the stories that sell. Worries about feeding my child balanced meals when I don't feel like going to the grocery store, let alone cooking do not exactly seem like the stories of page-turners. Wondering who I might bump into at the pharmacy/coffee shop/shoe store whose mere glance will almost instantly turn me into a weepy, puffy, red mess doesn't seem like something that would do it either. How about calling my work for the umpteenth time to ask for a sub because I need to be at home with my sick child? Nope, I don't think so. People don't want to read about those of us who are left behind and dealing with the day-to-day.
How do you go from "this is the most romantic thing I've every done!" (Tim's comment as we arrived at the hospital to birth Crosby) to "I don't want you/this anymore" two short years later? How? As I see you bop down the street with our son high on your shoulders, suitcase in hand, my heart breaks a little more. I want to be doing this with you. The three of us. Together. I want your hand to be holding mine, not your suitcase.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Okay, so maybe I am...
I have had fun this weekend, but have also been pretty down. My discovery a few minutes ago that Tim "unfriended" me on Facebook further contributed to my sadness. It seemed to start on Thursday evening as I drove through the rainy darkness to Lima with lots of time for thinking. I started recalling the many road trips that Tim and I went on together. How I would often bring a book to read aloud or an audio book. I would even bring a headlamp to wear so that I could continue reading when it got dark outside. Dorky, but fun.
I just keep thinking "Don't you wonder how we are, or at the very least, how Crosby is? Don't you wonder what he's doing? Do you ever miss us, even just a little?". The waterpark was obviously filled with families. Moms and dads and kids. I felt pathetic, like I should wear a sign around my neck saying "Yes, my husband left me". And angry.
I must say that Crosby had a blast at the waterpark, which meant that I had fun. There was a small red slide that he must have went down a hundred times. There were also steering wheels that when turned, caused water to shoot up from the ground. And a very low basketball hoop that I lifted him up to over and over again. He ran and laughed and smiled and squealed with delight and hugged his cousins over and over. These things all made me a very happy momma. Oh, and birthday cake. The birthday cake for grandma (and a very important correction, grandma was 62 yesterday, not 63. Sorry about that mom) was a huge hit. Crosby even woke up in the night and declared that he needed more birthday cake. He's such a funny little guy.
Something that I am trying to do somewhat regularly is a gratitude journal. I know it's a little "Oprah-esque", but I think it's a healthy thing for me to do. It seems to be a good way to re-focus my thinking and energy because I can become consumed with the crap. I don't want to be a bitter, negative person and there is no reason for that to happen. I have an abundance of people and opportunities that I am so grateful for. In spite of the recent events, I have a life to live. I keep collecting quotes about gratitude as well. Here's my latest favorite.
The ship of my life may or may not be sailing on calm and amiable seas. The challenging days of my existence may or may not be bright and promising. Stormy or sunny days, glorious or lonely nights, I maintain an attitude of gratitude. If I insist on being pessimistic, there is always tomorrow. Today I am blessed. ~Maya Angelou
I just keep thinking "Don't you wonder how we are, or at the very least, how Crosby is? Don't you wonder what he's doing? Do you ever miss us, even just a little?". The waterpark was obviously filled with families. Moms and dads and kids. I felt pathetic, like I should wear a sign around my neck saying "Yes, my husband left me". And angry.
I must say that Crosby had a blast at the waterpark, which meant that I had fun. There was a small red slide that he must have went down a hundred times. There were also steering wheels that when turned, caused water to shoot up from the ground. And a very low basketball hoop that I lifted him up to over and over again. He ran and laughed and smiled and squealed with delight and hugged his cousins over and over. These things all made me a very happy momma. Oh, and birthday cake. The birthday cake for grandma (and a very important correction, grandma was 62 yesterday, not 63. Sorry about that mom) was a huge hit. Crosby even woke up in the night and declared that he needed more birthday cake. He's such a funny little guy.
Something that I am trying to do somewhat regularly is a gratitude journal. I know it's a little "Oprah-esque", but I think it's a healthy thing for me to do. It seems to be a good way to re-focus my thinking and energy because I can become consumed with the crap. I don't want to be a bitter, negative person and there is no reason for that to happen. I have an abundance of people and opportunities that I am so grateful for. In spite of the recent events, I have a life to live. I keep collecting quotes about gratitude as well. Here's my latest favorite.
The ship of my life may or may not be sailing on calm and amiable seas. The challenging days of my existence may or may not be bright and promising. Stormy or sunny days, glorious or lonely nights, I maintain an attitude of gratitude. If I insist on being pessimistic, there is always tomorrow. Today I am blessed. ~Maya Angelou
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Not a mental case
My dear, sweet mother, who is definitely a "glass is 3/4 full, think happy thoughts" type, gently suggested that I do a post when I have a good day. And today, surprisingly, was a good day. I say surprisingly because today was the day I met with my attorney. Not exactly something that I was looking forward to. In fact, I was dreading it. So much in fact, that I took the afternoon off, mostly in anticipation of being a blubbering mess afterward, which is not exactly conducive to teaching a room full of 10 year olds. Well, miracle of miracles, I was not a blubbering mess. I actually wasn't even sniffling. Go figure. I guess those little white pills do really work :)! I left the office with a list of papers that I need to gather, stopped at Rachel's Bread for a lovely sandwich and headed home where I made a new bag from my ever-growing stack of recycled wool sweaters. I felt good.
After collecting Crosby later in the afternoon we had a bit of time before Wednesday night goodness (dinner with our small group). What else would one do with a bit of time but shovel snow back onto their porch in order for very determined 2 -year-old son to re-shovel it? That's right. The latest snow fall had almost completely melted from our front porch but that was not about to dissuade my son from his current favorite activity. So, he did a bit of snow removal and then we were off for the evening.
This weekend we are heading to Lima to celebrate Grandma's birthday. Don't most 63 year-old-women want to celebrate their birthdays at a waterpark? That's my mother! She will be in full grandma-glory as she slips and slides her way around with the 3 grandkids in tow....
Happy Almost-Weekend Everyone!
After collecting Crosby later in the afternoon we had a bit of time before Wednesday night goodness (dinner with our small group). What else would one do with a bit of time but shovel snow back onto their porch in order for very determined 2 -year-old son to re-shovel it? That's right. The latest snow fall had almost completely melted from our front porch but that was not about to dissuade my son from his current favorite activity. So, he did a bit of snow removal and then we were off for the evening.
This weekend we are heading to Lima to celebrate Grandma's birthday. Don't most 63 year-old-women want to celebrate their birthdays at a waterpark? That's my mother! She will be in full grandma-glory as she slips and slides her way around with the 3 grandkids in tow....
Happy Almost-Weekend Everyone!
Monday, February 23, 2009
Broken
I am feeling used up and thrown out. Tossed aside. I am also feeling like a ridiculous fool for encouraging and supporting and giving space to Tim as he delved deeper and deeper into himself. His career, his interests, his social life. While I kept the proverbial home-fires burning always anxiously awaiting his return, he was distancing himself more and more. And what did I do? His laundry. Raise our son. Beg him to see a doctor. Teach my students. Cook meals. Pack nearly our entire house, arrange moving help and unpack nearly everything. Try to engage him in conversation.
Why am I feeling so shitty today? I think it is because I downloaded (or is it uploaded? I can never remember the difference) the photos from our digital camera to the computer yesterday and saw all of our Christmas pictures of the three of us. I am grieving what will never be again. Crosby never having Christmas morning with his mom and dad again. Me without the man I have loved for the past 16 years. I want to yell and scream and pound my fists on Tim.
I feel like one of my limbs has been chopped off. Gone. Tim is just gone. Gone from my life. Our limited communication is almost entirely through text messaging. I went from working and trying and loving Tim to listening as he told me on January 5 that he no longer loved me. On January 11 he packed his clothes and moved out. On February 19 I received divorce papers in the mail. On Wednesday I have to meet with my attorney. What do I do with all of this?
Why am I feeling so shitty today? I think it is because I downloaded (or is it uploaded? I can never remember the difference) the photos from our digital camera to the computer yesterday and saw all of our Christmas pictures of the three of us. I am grieving what will never be again. Crosby never having Christmas morning with his mom and dad again. Me without the man I have loved for the past 16 years. I want to yell and scream and pound my fists on Tim.
I feel like one of my limbs has been chopped off. Gone. Tim is just gone. Gone from my life. Our limited communication is almost entirely through text messaging. I went from working and trying and loving Tim to listening as he told me on January 5 that he no longer loved me. On January 11 he packed his clothes and moved out. On February 19 I received divorce papers in the mail. On Wednesday I have to meet with my attorney. What do I do with all of this?
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Really?
Yesterday late-afternoon, Tim's parents (who, by the way, have been wonderfully supportive of me in all sorts of ways) picked Crosby up for "Tim's weekend". For the time being when Tim has Crosby for the weekend they stay at his parent's house because Tim's living arrangement (staying at a friend's house) isn't all that conducive for an active (okay, very active) 2- year- old. As they were driving away I thought "Really?". This is really my life now? Because you want to be single and you discount our marriage vows "because we were only 21 and 22 years old"? Because you don't value me, Crosby and our family enough to work at this relationship I just have to deal? Fascinating the way that works....
Now, just to be clear I do not stay at home and cry the weekend away after these exchanges (however tempting that has been). I very intentionally make plans to avoid that scenario. So, last night it was Ethiopian food at a little diner with women from my small group. Today will be a jaunt into Elkhart for a massage at a massage school were they are offered by students at a very affordable rate. After that? I have lots to work on at home but I may take a cruise over to Shipshewana. My sweet parents are coming late this afternoon for an overnight, which is always a treat. I will leave you with a quote that I read and re-read right now.
"Allow Events to Change You: You have to be willing to grow. Growth is different from something that happens to you. You produce it. You live it. The prerequisites for growth: the openness to experience events and the willingness to be changed by them."
Bruce Mau, designer (from ''An Incomplete Manifesto for Growth'')
Now, just to be clear I do not stay at home and cry the weekend away after these exchanges (however tempting that has been). I very intentionally make plans to avoid that scenario. So, last night it was Ethiopian food at a little diner with women from my small group. Today will be a jaunt into Elkhart for a massage at a massage school were they are offered by students at a very affordable rate. After that? I have lots to work on at home but I may take a cruise over to Shipshewana. My sweet parents are coming late this afternoon for an overnight, which is always a treat. I will leave you with a quote that I read and re-read right now.
"Allow Events to Change You: You have to be willing to grow. Growth is different from something that happens to you. You produce it. You live it. The prerequisites for growth: the openness to experience events and the willingness to be changed by them."
Bruce Mau, designer (from ''An Incomplete Manifesto for Growth'')
Friday, February 20, 2009
Embracing the digital age....
My dear, sweet, funny, handful-of-a-boy created the name for this blog without even knowing it. When he falls down or slips under the water in the bathtub (well, actually when almost anything happens that scares him) he says this. Sometimes several times, "I okay, I okay, I okay". I am not quite certain if he is reassuring himself or me, but I like it. In light of the events since January 5, I have both adopted and adapted it for my own as "I am going to be okay".
I hope this format doesn't feel impersonal to you. It doesn't to me as I am only sharing it with invited friends and family. The reason for this? I have been the fortunate recipient of so very many kind emails. However, to reply individually to them feels like a daunting task right now. So, this feels like a good way to keep people posted on the ups and downs of my life right now.
As I mentioned, I can say honestly that I am going to be okay. Does this feel like the biggest load of shit ever? Yes. Do I find it completely horrendous that 1 person can make a decision that affects the lives of many, many people? Yes. Do I cry? Yes. Do I still laugh and carry on with my day-to-day? Yes. The reason that I can and do carry on are 1.) a terrific little boy and 2.) the amazing people who care for and support me...family, friends, colleagues, church, pastor, neighbors, therapist....
Now for a few specifics (oh, c'mon, I know you're wondering :). Tim did in fact file for a divorce and I received the papers yesterday. Indiana is a no fault divorce state, which in short means that if one person wants a divorce, there is nothing the other person can do. A divorce will be granted. Nice, huh?
I know this post is ending abruptly, but I must grab a few groceries before I pick up Crosby. We are out of orange juice and I tried to pass off tomato juice. That was probably kind of mean, but hey, I'm trying to get more veggies in his diet! He got this horrible look on his face, his eyes watered, and he sputtered "I don't yike dis!".
I hope this format doesn't feel impersonal to you. It doesn't to me as I am only sharing it with invited friends and family. The reason for this? I have been the fortunate recipient of so very many kind emails. However, to reply individually to them feels like a daunting task right now. So, this feels like a good way to keep people posted on the ups and downs of my life right now.
As I mentioned, I can say honestly that I am going to be okay. Does this feel like the biggest load of shit ever? Yes. Do I find it completely horrendous that 1 person can make a decision that affects the lives of many, many people? Yes. Do I cry? Yes. Do I still laugh and carry on with my day-to-day? Yes. The reason that I can and do carry on are 1.) a terrific little boy and 2.) the amazing people who care for and support me...family, friends, colleagues, church, pastor, neighbors, therapist....
Now for a few specifics (oh, c'mon, I know you're wondering :). Tim did in fact file for a divorce and I received the papers yesterday. Indiana is a no fault divorce state, which in short means that if one person wants a divorce, there is nothing the other person can do. A divorce will be granted. Nice, huh?
I know this post is ending abruptly, but I must grab a few groceries before I pick up Crosby. We are out of orange juice and I tried to pass off tomato juice. That was probably kind of mean, but hey, I'm trying to get more veggies in his diet! He got this horrible look on his face, his eyes watered, and he sputtered "I don't yike dis!".
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